I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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