dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
