I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize