i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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