i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I think I just sharted jello shots
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
