i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
