he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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