someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
