I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
