I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
