There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
