yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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