Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
