u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
