How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
