i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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