i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
