I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
