I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
