You just made me feel so damn special
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
