you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
