she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
As shirtless as possible
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
