i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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