Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
