He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
