even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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