that's an acceptable place to lick
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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