We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
