I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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