the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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