I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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