I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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