I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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