so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
