Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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