omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
