I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
