I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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