I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
