I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
