Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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