Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
