things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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