Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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