I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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