Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
