Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
