ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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