Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
