Plan B is the new Plan A
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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