i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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