you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
