Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
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but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
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Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You pole danced in your parka.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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