he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
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I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
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