Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
