He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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