I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
