If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
