The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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