apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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